So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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