I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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