I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize