My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize