Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
