If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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