It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
