she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
