I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize