Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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