I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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