2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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