They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
