I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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