Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
