I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
