Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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