What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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