I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
