New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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