dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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