how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize