i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize