how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
