he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
