I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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