Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
