Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
