Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
