you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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