i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
