So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
