your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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