Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
