My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
