someone threw a dead crab at me
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
