"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
