Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
