I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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