Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We talked him into tasing himself.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
