**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
