I need to stop coming to work sober
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
