I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
