you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
