Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
