i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
