just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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