you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
