someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
