who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We have started to decorate penises.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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