apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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