so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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