please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
