Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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