I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
