Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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