literally had 100 drinks last night.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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