I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
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