there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
