can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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