If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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