apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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