I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
