fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
